Guilt | Kirsty Akaal

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Tag: Guilt

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MEDITATIONS & SOUL WORK

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I miss you Ana… at least once a week, I find mysel

I miss you Ana… at least once a week, I find myself starting to text you something…

Something funny, something I’m doing, something you would have appreciated…

Then I remember you’re not here anymore.

Not in physical form anyway.

It’s your earthly birthday today but now you’re amongst the stars.

When I remember you’re not here. That I can’t text you…

Instead I stop and think of you for a moment.
My phone reminds me of you constantly.

Bringing up memories. Photos of so many great moments and adventures.

I smile fondly when they pop up. Like a kiss from the universe or a lil nod or wink from you.

I think you must be having the best time. You always loved to philosophise about consciousness and energy and now you ARE. I bet you’re loving it.

I hear you telling me NOTHING MATTERS after one medicine journey where you had this huge epiphany. Now I hear you laughing. I told you so.

At the time I thought I understood what she meant. I understand it differently now.

When Ram Dass and teachers like him say nothing matters, they aren’t talking about giving up. They aren’t asking you to stop caring.

They’re pointing beyond all the things we get caught in and think we have to hold together.

How we look. Whether we’re doing enough. Getting it right. Being liked. Being chosen. Keeping everyone happy. Holding it all up so nothing falls apart.

None of that is actually the point.

What they mean, what Ana meant, is this…
the things we spend so much energy trying to manage and perfect aren’t what matter most.

It’s what’s underneath them.

The love that’s there without needing to earn it.
The part of you that’s still, whole, and untouched by all of it.

From where she is now, I imagine it all makes perfect sense.

You were right, Ana.

Nothing matters.

But love.

I love you. I miss you. I can’t wait for that long chat.

#grieving #ramdass

All my love, k xo

I had a dream last night where the word hallelujah

I had a dream last night where the word hallelujah appeared three times. Not a word that I’m typically familiar with.

Then I met someone I n the dream and recognised them through it. She was singing it, or speaking it… I just knew it was connected.

This morning I sat down in front of a piece of artwork, the one I meditate with… and right in the centre are the lyrics to Hallelujah. I hadn’t even realized that I had printed them out and made them a part of the art.

It stopped me.

Just a quiet, undeniable feeling of being shown something.

This week I’ve been listening to Ram Dass speak about devotion, about kirtan, about opening the heart… and I’ve found myself coming back to singing in the mornings. I found myself coming back to the Mat back to my practices back to singing, which is my way to Konekt to devotion.

When I later looked up what a dream like that could mean, the essence of what came through was this:

Not everything is here to be solved. Some things are here to be honoured.

Hallelujah isn’t about everything being perfect.

If you think about the feeling of the song Hallelujah, it’s not light and easy. It’s raw. It holds grief and beauty in the same breath. It says: even here… even in this… there is something sacred.

And for me, it felt like a clear reminder.

Come back to devotion.
Come back to practice.
Come back to what opens the heart.
Come back to what is sacred.

Do you love to interpret your dreams? Do you pay attention to when the universe is nudging you in a direction or giving you signs?

and of course now I’m gonna sit and sing hallelujah

Kx. #kirtan #halleluja #ramdass #devotion #dreammeaning

Just 10 minutes can make all the difference in the

Just 10 minutes can make all the difference in the world. If you are feeling heavy, if you are feeling tired if you’re feeling stressed instead of swiping and doing all the things that don’t help.

Sit down, put on a guided meditation or some mantras and reconnect to yourself, to your center, to source.

Sometimes I forget this myself, but whenever I come back here, it’s such a reminder of how quickly we can come back to peace and joy, and just a general remembering that when we’re in the busyness of the world or the matrix, we start to forget.

Save this as a reminder and let me know if you’d like me to send you a link to some of the playlist I have for meditations or mantras.

I love to journal the reflections that come up in these moments, which are also wonderful reminders for the days that we need them.

All my love today Kx

#mantrameditation #chantingmantras #healingfromwithin #regulation

Here is an excerpt from my new websites about page

Here is an excerpt from my new websites about page. Feel free to take a look around the site and I would love to hear your thoughts. kx

MY STORY

As a global speaker on courage, I built a high-performing life of achievement that looked powerful from the outside.

Inside, I was deeply disconnected from myself.

For fifteen years, I stood on stages teaching vulnerability while unable to see my own blind spots.

I thought that because I could speak about shame, I had moved beyond it.

I thought success meant I had finally arrived.

I hadn’t.

When burnout and repressed memories surfaced at 40, the glass wall shattered.

The high-flying life I had built on hustle began to unravel. It wasn’t just burnout. It was the realization that survival had required me to leave parts of myself behind.

I traded stages for silence. Spotlights for ceremony. Spraggon for Akaal.

I stepped away from constant performance and into integration, a sabbatical in Mexico that became an 8-year initiation into the deeper work of healing and embodiment. Into the body. Into truth.

Somatic healing in the mountains. Plant medicine. Breathwork. Regression. Deep Inner Healing & Trauma Informed Studies.

I learned what no stage ever taught me:

Trauma isn’t just what happened to you.

It’s the moment you learned it wasn’t safe to be yourself.

To survive, we learn to perform.
To perform, we put on masks.
We live in our heads because our bodies don’t feel safe.
We call it strength. We call it success.

But we never truly lose who we are. We just forget.

Trauma disconnects.
Healing is reconnection.
Awakening is remembering.

This is the journey. This is the work.

read more on my website www.kirstyakaal.com

#healing #awakening #trauma #myownstory
@michellevdijk 📸

HOPE?! someone in a group on nervous system regula

HOPE?! someone in a group on nervous system regulation asked for hope yesterday, for some positive stories to show there is a light at the end of the tunnel, to healing. I shared this in a comment and thought it might help a few others.

As somebody who has a history of deep wounding and sexual trauma, and when peri menopause hit combined with ADHD I really struggled. Anxiety, depression, lack of sleep, you name it. Everything was on fire, even with all the tools I had for decades working myself in this space. I struggled. Flashbacks, repressed memories everything started to surface when at 40 I was finally safe, when I finally had the support I needed. When my 1st safe love & partner arrived my system could do the work it had held off for decades ...never safe enough and it got worse before it got better. My body had learned that safe & normal felt weird, I wanted drama and to run! anyway that´s all a story for another day.

HOPE? light at the end of the tunnel...

YES! I am now in the BEST place of my life and just recently turned 50. I am safe, happy, loved up and doing my most rewarding work in decades.

HOWEVER what I want to say to anyone on their healing journey is that a lot of people think the goal is to never be dis-regulated and I think it’s incredibly important to normalize having good and bad days. To meet yourself where your at.

The nervous system conversation right now is so loud and I think this gets lost...most people think healing their nervous system means becoming calm all the time. Like one day you’ll arrive…and nothing will shake you again.

That’s not real.

And chasing that will quietly EXHAUST you. It creates a mental war with yourself where you’re never THERE wherever there is…

What I now know is a regulated nervous system isn’t one that never gets activated. It’s one that can move. One that can be flexible.

It can rise into stress when life calls for it.

It can drop back into safety when the moment passes.

It doesn’t get stuck there.

That’s the difference.

It’s very important to know…
You’re still going to feel #TRIGGERED.

Part 2 in comments #heal #nervoussystemhealing #regulation

I noticed a pattern this week when three past clie

I noticed a pattern this week when three past clients reached out. These are people I have worked with for years. Three. Five. Seven.

They come in when needed. They do the work. Then they go and live their lives.

In the beginning, it can often be the deeper layers that bring a person to the work.

Burnout. Trauma. Addiction. A triggering event.

The kind of work that asks you to face what you have been carrying for a long time.

But over time, something shifts.

Now they are regulated & grounded in themselves.

Life is no longer something they are trying to survive.

And the work evolves. It shifts to something less about digging in the past to...now it is about finding peace or letting deep love in, or how to holding more capacity. Learning how to live in what they have built without needing chaos to feel familiar.

AND THIS! is what I love the most about reconnecting with a client 1 year or 3 or 7 years later for the next level, the next layer and seeing how much they have shifted, even though sometimes we don´t see that in ourselves, I see that.

I see their growth in how differently they now handle things s differently.

If we are truly growing, it’s not one and done.

We continue to meet ourselves at deeper levels of truth as our life expands.

This is what long-term integration looks like.Not one breakthrough. Seasons. I am so friggin PROUD! of these humans. As it has not always been easy and I am honored to have witnessed so much of their journey and honored they keep coming back in when their ready for another level or layer of the work.

I love seeing them meet the work differently as they grow.

This is the work. If your curious DM me or drop a heart emoji.

Where do you see yourself in this? The growth, the seasons, the work over years? I would love to hear.

kx

#NervousSystem #SelfLeadership #HighPerformer #ComeHomeToYourself #ʜᴇᴀʟɪɴɢᴊᴏᴜʀɴᴇʏ

Blast from the past! Spent the day going through 1

Blast from the past! Spent the day going through 11,000 photos and 2000 videos cataloging things so that they can actually be shared and used.

What I have noticed lately is as I get ready to step up in a big way and share more every time I do a task like this or redoing my website for example it’s not just editing or tech work.

I’m doing its inner work and it triggers me into a beautiful process.

A process of remembering who I am, a process of remembering where I’ve been, a process of remembering how much I’ve achieved, a process of letting go of the idea of more more more, a process of recognizing where perhaps some of my goals were more focused on by my ego rather than my true sense of self.

Have you ever done a deep dive into your past what comes up for you when you think about this post and what I’m sharing? I’d love to hear.

#life #dreams #success #lettinggo #rebirth

Miracles are around us every day. 😇 Today I was

Miracles are around us every day. 😇

Today I was coming back home in a taxi and as is common in Mexican taxis they have rosaries hanging from the rear vision mirror often for protection. I was commenting with the driver, how beautiful this particular rosary was and that I hadn’t seen anything quite like it.

When we arrived at the destination he told me that he would like to gift it to me he was very insistent.

I am not a religious person, but I do believe in miracles and angels and something bigger than all of us and I love collecting rosaries. I didn’t feel right to take it from him so I made an exchange and gave him a beautiful key ring I had with angels and we made a lovely swap.

Sometimes the most magical moments can happen in a simple taxi ride. We both now have a piece of each other and I hope to see Gustavo again.

Isn’t she an absolute beauty. She appears to be handcrafted and will take up residency on my altar. I feel truly blessed. Like a little kiss from the universe today.

What’s the last little magical or miracle moment that happened for you?

Kx
#mexico #rosarybeads #rosaryprayer

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